Christmas Memories (Being me)

     As the advent calendar gets filled up and the holidays get closer I am reminded of the importance of the holiday. Sure I stress over the gifts like everyone else. And I probably go a little over my budget. But isn't that what it's all about? Heck no!

     It's about these people we call family and friends and spending warm moments to make memories. I spent the weekend with some of the greatest people I know at our Annual Christmas weekend party. We didn't go any where special and we didn't spend any money while there on unnecessary stuff. We drank, ate and were Merry just to be together. The kids played until they fell down and so did we.

     And that was what made me remember that in six days it will not be about the number of gifts under the tree or how fat the stockings are, it will be about the time and memories we choose to create for ourselves as well as our family and friends.
   
     So stop in between the cookie making, the gift wrapping, the cooking and cleaning and make sure you are doing it all for the joy of it. Family and friends don't actually care if the wrapping is perfect, or if the cookies may be a bit burnt in some spots, in fact it's probably a relief to see yours are just like theirs, lol. Sit and watch some holiday movies and drink hot cocoa with the kids. They really do want to just spend time with you anyway.
 
     Of course for others the holiday mean even more. To you it may be a time to reflect, to rejoice, to remember, to make magic or to simply relax. So what ever you love to do and what ever it means to you to celebrate this holiday, remember to not let it get away and to enjoy every moment of it!

Being me (criticism and taking it perfectly, lol)

  

   During a heated discussion with my husband last night he told me I was unable to take criticism and accept when I was wrong. Not the best way to win said heated discussion, but after our discussion calmed and changed to a resolution those words sunk in and I thought about what he had said.

     Today actually was when I had a chance to really think about it. He wasn't trying to be mean or hurtful he was being honest and although I hated it, he was right (don't let it go to your head Bert). I realized that, well, not many people take criticism well and that it is a rare and difficult thing to accept when you are wrong. It is also very easy be the critic but not the recipient so be careful when you are said critic. It takes practice and honestly a real high level of confidence to do either.

      I realized also that I don't have that level of confidence and fight tooth and nail to justify all my actions and thoughts whether they are right, wrong or even indifferent simply because I want to be validated. I feel guilty when I mess up and fight even harder to justify it because of said guilt. I don't always feel confident in my choices and my worth in this life and I project that to others in ways I don't always realize hurts them. For this I am truly sorry and hope to change it even if to stop hurting myself by this behavior.  Please understand I am not sharing this to get a poor baby out of it, I just wanted to share this to help others who are feeling this way to. I am not looking for sympathy, just understanding ( validation thing again,ugh). Anyway.....

      It is hard to step outside of your own head and look back in, but I am trying and hoping to find the confidence that I deserve in myself.  I see it in others all the time, a friend who belittles her shape, talent or worth and it is easy to point out that they are wonderful but how to get them (and yourself) to see it and believe it is the trick. I am planning to try harder to love myself and let the stupid shit just roll off and learn from my mistakes, and accept them as such. I also want to get better at taking criticism, for how can one grow if not by taking the criticism.

     Trust me there is a never ending supply of critics and some are so  not worth your time to listen to, but others are and that is where you need to be confident in yourself. If you are, than you can either to throw them away as garbage or take them as knowledge for growth.

     May you love yourself as much as others do and learn to grow with grace, and if not give them hell instead, lol.

Being me (thankful)

  I have so many things to be thankful for that really it is quite hard to list them all. I have such great friends and family that I wonder how I got so lucky. I am able to be an at home mom because of my husband and his great job. I don't have to worry about getting food on the table or if I can afford to by a new pair of pants for my son. I have an unbelievable set of people who support my creative efforts. I am getting to work more on my small business and helping it grow. I have a healthy family. I just can't even be more blessed.
 
   And so at this time of year I write down these things and remember how many people may have only some or even none of these things to be thankful for and it makes me feel somehow guilty and sad. But then I see them and realize that they are not angry at me or jealous of what I have. Quite the opposite they are happy and thankful for what they do have, not what they don't have and it makes me realize that, that is exactly what Thanksgiving and the coming holidays is really about. It is about being grateful and appreciating what you have, not what you don't have, or could have, or want to have. It isn't about what everyone else has or what the TV and media say you should have. It is a simple and pure magic that every small child knows and many who have little understand better than anyone, be thankful for what you have every day.

   Wealth comes in more ways than one. And for all the gifts in my life I am very grateful!
                                                  Happy Holidays!

Being me (The perfect friend)

  When you are one year old it's the child who plays all by himself and doesn't take your toys if you turn around, these are very hard to find.  When you are two and three years old it is the other child willing to sit on the other side of the sea saw or the one who shares the slide and swings best, these are much easier to find. At four to six they may be the ones willing to share their snack and some of their toys without mom making them. It was so easy to find friends at this age and to accept almost anyone as a candidate and  a companion.

  As you go through middle and high school they become the kids you choose to hang out with and not necessarily the ones your parents choose. As a teenager they are the ones who feel just as out of place as you, once again really hard to find. And no matter how many friends you have or don't have you never quite feel like you have enough.

  Then even in your twenties and thirties you find that your friends rotate as your life changes. New ones come and go depending on whether you have children, get married, get divorced, go to school, get a new job or even move. Not much different than when you were a kid. Only now some of them never quite go away and they change with you and around you. There are very few of them and that is ok, and they each play a different role in your life. One is the person you can tell anything and know it will never go any further. One will go do Karaoke and dance with you and brings out your wild side. One is your best critic and supporter. One helps you keep your perspective and yet another helps you stay a bit wacky. All these friends are completely different and some you can take only in small doses. And guess what?! You are that same kind of friend to someone else. Because as a very good and dear friend once told me, each friend in your life is who they are and what you need for different reasons and that is what makes them perfect.

 So enjoy each friend for who they are and let them be the perfect friend by accepting them just as they are in your life.

Being me ( and The perfect Husband)

     I remember when I was a little girl imagining I was an Indian princess and I married a white frontier man that was brave and loving and of course hot. Then I tried on the prince image for a while and that seemed good too. Then  there was the rocker stage when I wanted the bad boy and finally the guy next door.
Well what I got was a man who is somewhat of all those things and none of them too. He is perfect and flawed and wonderful too. He is more than I ever imagined and my best friend. He is kinder to me than I am to myself and loves me (even if he doesn't always like me) just the way I am.

     I was very lucky to have a terrific home and parents who made it work and are still happily married. I am so blessed to have been able to experience a true love story, not only through them but in my own life. My mom and dad married after only three dates and just new it was right. Of course if I had pulled that they would have had me institutionalized. As it is I dated my wonderful husband for 4 years before getting married and we waited another 13 before we had Jake. Maybe they should have institutionalized me after all, lol.

     We have our tough times as well as our terrific times just like everyone and we try to be the best we can for one another. The one thing I think we have done that makes it work is to never take one another for granted. In a world of instant gratification and easy replacements you have to remember that money comes and goes as do some of the people in your life, but love can be for ever if you respect it as the gift and treasure it truly is.

     I love you Bert more than life itself! Thank you for being my friend, my biggest fan and my best critic and supporter.

Buzz Light year The final chapter

Jake loved the costume and has enjoyed the wings every day since Halloween and has also been wearing his jacket quite often. He and his good friend went out together and were a big hit. They looked great and enjoyed the first year of actual trick or treating.
I wish that I could have gotten the look of surprise and pure joy on both their faces when they went to the first house and someone put candy into their pumpkin buckets. It was priceless. It was a mixture of confusion and total excitement. I hope your all hallows eve was as enjoyable as ours.

Being Me (The perfect mom)

     I am not sure I ever thought being a parent would be easy, in fact the thought terrified me for a long time. Hence having Jake at 38 years old. And now I realize I was right to be terrified.

     Somehow my mom made it look so simple and easy, or maybe I just remember it differently since I was the child then and couldn't see the difference between laughing at something funny and laughing because you are having a nervous breakdown. Thank goodness for a child's innocent mind huh? Anyway she was and still is awesome. I actually thought as a grownup that the house should be clean and the laundry done and the dinner on the table because, well you were home and that was your job. That is how easy she made it look. I even recall thinking, why is so and so's house such a mess when she is home all day(can you say delusional!). By the way to so and so, I am an ass and I am so sorry.

     Now that I am the mom of a almost three year old I still marvel at how hard it is to be a parent. I am so lucky to be able to be at home with Jake just like my mom and my job like all parents does not end at 8pm when he goes to bed, and every day is a challenge. My house is not always clean and the laundry piles up and dinner is going to be ready some nights when you get leftovers out of the fridge.

     But I hope that I am growing with each challenge and even though I am certainly not perfect and I make loads of mistakes (and I have so much guilt when I do), I hope that Jake will grow to remember me now as I remember my mom at his age.

     I would like to dedicate this to all and every mom that has or is now going through this journey. You are the perfect mom even when you don't feel like it.